With an Axe …

On a recent run up to the allotment I am reminded of a song my grandmother would smile at when it came on the “wireless” when I was a lot, lot younger. Based on a dialogue between two characters (I always assumed they were married, for some reason), Henry and Liza the narrative is a humorous deadlock. Henry is asked to fetch water, asks how to carry it, is told a bucket, replies that the bucket has a hole in it radio. Liza tells him to repair it. But to fix the leaky bucket, he needs straw. To cut the straw, he needs an axe. To sharpen the axe, he needs to wet the sharpening stone, he will need  water. However, when Henry asks how to get the water, Liza’s answer is “in a bucket”. It is implied that only the leaky bucket is available, which, if it could carry water, would need no repairing in the first place.

My grandmother used to say, with a characteristic grin, that it was typical of men to try and get out of a task*, or to make it more complicated than it needed to be … but, back in those days I couldn’t see that complexity, just wondered how the singers could remember so many words.

So …

A recent e-mail from the Committee Secretary told us that the gate locks were going to be changed; that new keys would be issued on Sunday morning between early o’clock and sometime later.

For those uncertain about allotment protocol suffice it to say that security is important: some plot holders keep significantly expensive equipment in their sheds and theft and vandalism are, sadly, frequent interruptions. Every plotholder is provided with a key to the gates on joining the association. (we have two gates, same lock, one key fits both gates).

Apparently earlier this week the bottom gate had been found unlocked, the site container broken into, spare keys, cash gone missing and six or more (details not specific) have been raided.

Best solution? Change the padlock, give out new keys to all plot holders.

I put two and two together and get a number more than the total. I am curious: is it, for example possible that the intruders entered – or left the site by way of the house next door? The house whose owner has taken down the fence. It would take a few steps across his yard and out of his gate onto the road. Nobody on the committee seems to have even considered it. Nor thought of asking the owner if he noticed anything on the night it happened. Elementary, I would have thought.

However, smiling wryly we take our keys, check the plot and go about our January business.

Hmmm …

The following weekend I am taking up the kitchen waste for the compost heap and notice, attached to the allotment gate, just above the new padlock:



Now, bear in mind that the said plots of “Colin” and “Mick” are both on-site. That to get on-site you have to go through the gates. Which are locked.






Any advice Liza?

*Phew: good job I got around to fixing the new lights in the kitchen this morning then.


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